Ever had a breathalizer test?

I was working for the Census Bureau last month; what an adventure - going on roads where no man has gone before (or so it seemed). There were paved roads, gravel roads, dirt roads, snowy/muddy roads, and I even went to the top of the Great Salt Lake! It was quite the adventure.

Anyway, I had to drive on one of the snowy/muddy ranch roads for about six miles before getting to the homes I needed to verify, then six miles back out. Luckily I was driving my mom's little SUV and had an apple-cinnamon oatmeal square to snack on! I was back on the freeway going toward the next exit and having a great time listening to my book-on-CD.

I have extreme difficulty resisting the temptation to drive 5-miles over the speed limit, so I was going 80 in a 75 zone; typically acceptable; I've even been told so by a UHP. Well, I passed a UHP who was perched in the median between the two sides of the freeway. Always being suspect, even when I'm the prescribed five miles over the limit, I started to slow down, as did the one car in front of me. About 60 seconds later I see the UHP turning around and following me/us; uh oh! A few seconds later, it passed me and got behind the car in front of me; shew! The car in front of me slowed and pulled to the side, and the UHP passed him; hoy veh! Then he slowed to about 72 mph. I WASN'T ABOUT TO PASS HIM!!!

Finally, recognizing that I would probably slow to 20 and still not pass him, he pulled onto the right shoulder so I had no choice but to pass him. I had several thoughts come to me: 'less than a mile to my off ramp'; 'he passed me once, so he must not really be going after me'; those and many other fallacies went through my mind at that point. He pulled behind me; lights went on, and after a minute of not pulling over since the offramp was right in front of us, sirens went on too. My heart sunk. I got off the freeway and pulled over.

The officer came up to the window, and told me he pulled me over because he couldn't see my license plate. So I guess five over is still ok! He asked for my license and registration; thank goodness he didn't ask for the insurance, because I didn't (and still don't) know where my mom keeps it. I handed him the documents and he asked if I'd been drinking. "NO! I never drink." He walked back to his car.

A couple minutes passed and he came back without my info and asked me again if I'd been drinking. "No! I don't drink! I NEVER drink! I've only had water, want to check," holding out my water jug as if he'd actually check it.

Of course, he chose not to check the water jug, but did ask me to step out of the car so he could "check my eyes". Sure thing! Then we played the "follow the pen" game for a minute.

All this time I had a huge smile on my face. "I know this is very serious for you, but it's really funny for me because I NEVER drink."

After the pen game he requested that I step in front of his car. Great! "Please stand with your feet together and your arms down."

There we had a problem, since I can't even stand straight when I'm not being tested for drunk driving! Maybe I was drunk after all! "I can't even keep my balance when I'm doing Yoga!"

"Please take 9 steps, toe to heel, from my car to yours while keeping your arms at your side."

"That's easier for me than balancing. One, two, three..." And back, "One, two, three..."

He walked over to his car. "Maybe it's the apple-cinnamon oatmeal square I had. THAT'S the problem - I put on clean underwear this morning, but didn't brush my teeth!" He smiled, then brought out the breathalyzer test! Sheesh!!

He said he thought he smelled something on my breath or in my car - darn those oatmeal squares! I breathed into the breathalyzer. "Zero, right?!"

"Right. Let me get your documents."

It was so good to know I actually hadn't been drunk driving! What would I tell Zach??? What would I tell the Bishop??? What would I tell my mom, my boss, my family, my friends, ...??? THANK GOODNESS!!